Dear Sidelined,
I am hearing you you really want to get your needs met in this relationship. As a couples counsellor, I often hear from partners who feel a growing mismatch in sexual desire, especially during transitional life stages such as perimenopause. When one person has a higher libido and the other feels worn down, uninterested, or physically uncomfortable, it can create a sense of loneliness and rejection. The partner with higher desire often feels unseen, sidelined, or even unimportant, while the partner with lower desire may feel pressured or inadequate. This dynamic can quickly erode emotional closeness, if not addressed with compassion and understanding.

It’s so important to acknowledge that perimenopause is not just a physical shift but also an emotional and psychological one. Hormonal changes can affect arousal, desire, and energy levels, while external pressures - work, family responsibilities, and the mental load of daily life - add even more weight.

Consider also that menopause does require a lifestyle where adrenal support is prioritised and stress reduction is a regular practice as the body hands over the job of hormone production from the genitals to the adrenals.  A great book to read here is Menopause Reset, by Dr Mindy Pelz. While I am not recommending her fasting regime, she does offer an explanation in layman's terms for what happens to our bodies during menopause that i found extremely enlightening. I wish I had that information when I was around 42!

Back on topic though, for many women in this stage, sex can understandably fall further down the list of priorities. This does not mean a rejection of their partner as a person, but is rather a reflection of what their body and life circumstances are demanding of them at this time.

Here's What To Do
For the higher-desire partner, the challenge lies in expressing needs without blame or resentment. Instead of approaching the conversation as “a problem you need to fix,” it can be more effective to frame it as a shared journey of reconnection.

Asking open-ended questions like, “What kind of intimacy feels good for you right now?” or “How can we maintain closeness outside of sex?” opens the door to creativity and gentleness in the relationship. It also helps shift intimacy away from being defined only by intercourse, leaving space for physical closeness, affection, and emotional bonding in other forms.

Couples who navigate this stage most successfully are those willing to experiment, adapt, and communicate with empathy. Sometimes, this might also mean seeking medical coaching and support for menopausal symptoms, engaging in stress-reducing practices together, or working with a relationship therapist and sex therapist to find new pathways of intimacy. Here in Australia, menopause coaching of the medical doctors has become a thing! Yaaay!....

The goal however, is not to force one partner into someone else’s rhythm, but to find a pace and a connection that honours both. By treating this transition as an opportunity to deepen understanding rather than as a roadblock, many couples discover an intimacy that is more flexible, compassionate, and enduring than before.
Here are several practical daily exercises that can help rebuild both sexual and emotional intimacy with your partner:

1. Sensate Focus Exercises
This is a foundational sex therapy technique that involves taking turns exploring each other’s bodies through gentle, non-sexual touch—without any expectation of sex or orgasm. Partners alternate as “giver” and “receiver,” pausing to check in about comfort and enjoyment. Gradually, you may build towards more intimate touch, always guided by open feedback. Sensate focus helps reduce performance anxiety and brings couples into the present moment, allowing both to rediscover pleasure and connection.[1][2][3]

2. Eye Gazing
Sit facing each other and maintain gentle eye contact for 5-10 minutes, without speaking. Breathe deeply and relax into the experience. At first, this can feel awkward, but over time, it breaks down emotional barriers and naturally increases feelings of closeness, safety, and understanding between you.[2][1]

3. Mindful Touch or Extended Hugging
Set aside a few minutes daily for mindful, affectionate touch—such as a gentle back rub, holding hands, or an extended hug. During a prolonged embrace (try 5 minutes), synchronize your breathing and simply enjoy the contact. These acts release oxytocin, reduce stress, and foster trust and emotional safety.[4][2]

4. Nostalgia Ritual
Once a week, spend time revisiting favorite memories—look at photos, tell stories from the early days of your relationship, or share moments you felt especially close. This shared reminiscing increases positive feelings and reminds you both why you chose each other.[4]

5. “Desire Mapping” or Whispered Words
Take turns gently kissing or caressing different areas (arms, face, neck, shoulders) and giving gentle feedback about what feels best. You can also try whispering affectionate words or compliments to each other. This playful exploration helps partners learn each other’s preferences and opens new lines of communication about what brings pleasure and comfort.[3][2]

6. Truly Listen & Emotional Check-Ins
Set aside time every day or week to share how you’re feeling—without interruptions or problem-solving. Practice reflective listening by summarising what your partner says (“I hear you saying…”). If you are a client of mine, I encourage you to use your non-violent communication skills you have learned in session with Nicolette to truly get this technique perfected. This creates a safe space for vulnerability and reassures both partners that their feelings are valued.[6][4]
​
Implementing these simple, evidence-backed exercises regularly—sometimes for just 10-20 minutes a day—can help you and your partner rebuild intimacy, restore trust, and rekindle sexual desire in a relaxed, shame-free environment. For more guided exercises and support, you may want to consult a couples counsellor or specialist in intimacy coaching.[1][2][3][4]

​References
[1] (https://www.joannebagshaw.com/blog/sex-therapy-exercises-to-enhance-intimacy)
[2] (https://holdinghopemft.com/intimacy-exercises-for-couples-a-complete-guide-to-building-physical-and-emotional-intimacy-in-a-relationship/)
[3] (https://optimumjoy.com/blog/sensate-focus-an-exercise-in-mindful-sexuality/)
[4] (https://www.choosingtherapy.com/intimacy-exercises/)
[5] (https://practicalintimacy.com/marriage-intimacy-exercises-for-couples/)
[6] (https://www.sdrelationshipplace.com/emotional-intimacy-in-marriage/)
[7] (https://www.marriage.com/advice/emotional-intimacy/repairing-emotional-intimacy/)
[8] (https://holdinghopemft.com/how-to-rekindle-intimacy-and-reignite-your-sexual-connection/)
[9] (https://willowmarktherapy.com/trust-exercises-for-couples/)
[10] Pelz, M (2021) Menopause Reset (just for the laymen's explanation only). (https://www.drmindypelz.com/)

Gaslighting is more common than you think. In most relationships, it happens at least once a month. 

Any of these ring a bell?

• That's not what I meant (excuse-plainig)
• You're making such a big fuss (trivialising)
• I said / you said (lawyering)
• Stop acting crazy
• Can you hear yourself?
• You need help
• I have not had that experience with anyone else before
• You are imagining things
• Why are you so upset? I was only kidding?
• You're over-reacting
• How dare you accuse me of that (self-righteous power move)
• What you did was REALLY BAD because (counter-attack to put you on the defensive)

If you hear any of these.... it means that you are being gaslighted. You are being convinced that your reality is not real. If you need clarity, then do the Work of Byron Katie, and get your friends to validate that you are not going crazy. Your feelings are valid, real or perceived. 

Sometimes grief can feel overwhelming, and it can collapse us for years before we are able to turn towards it. Even our significant other, our very own partner, may not even be able to hold the torrent of emotion that can surface.  Even if we do show our emotion, we may not want our kids to see us upset or worse our partner may not want us to be unhappy, and so grief goes underground.

If our kids don't see us upset, they won't learn that its okay to process our emotions. They will see us as people who could hold it together, like a super hero, when really, we are collapsed inside our own emotional distress and turning to ways of numbing out to help ease the pain we cannot express to our loved ones. 

Writing about your grief and journalling can be helpful but nothing will beat a safe space and a trusted person to be around so it can surface and not be shut down. A good old fashioned cry, no a wail, is the only way to release this built up emotion and let it release and let go. Your counsellor is available to you in this capacity, being able to give you a landing to express your deepest grief and keep you safe while you unfurl. Always know that even though the grief is consuming, it can be a deep, bitter yet sweet experience.

Sometimes we may hear things from our partners that may not contain volume, yet it seems to affect us as if someone was shouting at us. This is often due to the level of emotional energy that sits behind what is being said. Volume isn't always the problem. It is the emotional tone in voice, that often ampifies for someone who is already hypersensitive to criticism from their partner. What is being said at volume 5, might carry an emotional tone of 9. This is where the problem lies. Regardless of what we say, we tend to telegraph how we feel without even realising it.

To remedy this, it is important to keep your tone in your awareness - both of you. By managing your tone, you will stop triggering your partner. By listening carefully to your partner, and responding mindfully, you will notice over time that trust starts to build and you will both start to feel alot  better about your communications.

March 2020 has dropped us into a reality that only a few weeks ago seemed a world away. Now, we are here, in COVID land. How do we challenge our beliefs that cause us great fear and anxiety? The media hype, numerous social media posts,  reassuring newsletters and fake news seems to be the order of the day. How do we sift through what is true, and what is not? How do we manage the thoughts that blue tac onto the walls of our mind in a way that sticks and loops into thoughts of anxiety and hopelessness? 

Now is the time we go to enquiry. By doing the The Work - Byron Katie's 4 questions and the turnarounds (flip our thought statements around to find different ways of looking at the same reality) we open ourselves to what is really there - reality - no stories, no judgements, no fear, no anxiety - just reality. Byron Katie says: reality is far kinder than our thoughts. I have to say when I do the work on my own situation - she is right! 

When we do the work,  get clear and we take our next steps borne from the clarity that comes for us. It is now that those of you who have started to learn how to do the work, can see how any disturbance calls us to do the work, to mindfully engage with it in a responsible way that can only empower us, strengthen us and move toward a better way of being in the world, hopefully freer than we were before. Lets consider a very fraught topic area: 

                                                                   "I might die because of others"

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know its true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought? (this will be a good one to discuss in our online zoom sessions every Tuesday)
4. Who would you be if you never had that thought?

• I mightn't die because of others...
• I might live because of others...
• I might die because of me....
• They might die because of me... 

Find three places in your life where these statements are true or truer. Go very quiet, take your time, wait for things to surface, all of it is welcome. Now write it down. Write the thoughts in response to these questions as a meditation. 

​Byron Katie asks us to question our thoughts so we can awaken from the dream we find ourselves in.

The 'dream' she talks about is the automated, autopilot, conditioned self that goes through the motions day in, day out. She calls this the 'dream' state - the state of mind that doesn't stop to do 'the work' (the four questions) when we are triggered or upset in any way. 

Simply put, when we believe our thoughts, we suffer. Added to which Katie notes that there are no new stressful thoughts. They (stressful thoughts) have been around since the beginning of time, since the oldest story ever written. This is great news because it means that suffering is finite, has an end, and we can achieve peace and happiness, no matter what! Katie speaks from her own experience - she has suffered organ shutdown, gone blind and lost consciousness and all the while, she just questioned her thoughts and watched as she noticed her beliefs around these events. When she believed her thoughts, she suffered. When she didn't, she was free.

Would you like to be free? Lets to the work together at LECNA Community Centre in Springwood, Tuesday Nights 7pm-8:30pm. $5 door entry fee.

To earn someone's trust we have to truly hear them. Every human being needs to feel they are respected, and that they matter.

Empathic listening is a way to earn that trust. By listening for the fact of what is being said, feeling the feeling they have, and then searching for the need is a way you can reflect back to the person what they have said in a way they feel truly heard.

This technique is very difficult to do at first, but over time as you become well versed in being able to pull out the fact, the feeling and the need, and putting that in a sentence that you deliver back to the other person in a way that helps them feel that you really get them. 

Example: 
Person A: 
I have to cook every night for a large family, and when I get home I just feel angry because I am tired and no-one helps me.
                           
      FACT: Has to cook         FEELING: angry, tired       NEED:  Support, help

Person B:
You are angry because you need some support with the cooking when you are tired?
OR 
You are angry because you need some help when you are tired and you have to cook? 

Isolation and loneliness are have been written about as the latest epidemic in our modern society. Humans are social beings and their survival through the ages has depended on this very fact. Yet, in our neighbourhoods and our shopping centres, people feel very isolated and alone despite having access to all the technological tools in the world to connect. Why is this? 

I remember a time when visiting people was a thing we did on weekends. We would sit for hours, talking and having fun. While this happens online, it doesn't seem quite the same anymore. Life has become packed, busy with all the things that keep us stuck in our phones, and not present to those in our immediate surrounds. 

So how do we get back to connection?  Here is a list of what we can do to start to move in that direction.

12 Steps Back to Connection
1. Learn about Needs and make a list of your needs.
2. Learn about Feelings - how do you feel when your needs get met, or don't get met.
3. Get clear about your Beliefs on getting your needs met - attend Belief Busters, or do The Work of Byron Katie.
4. Brainstorm ideas around what you discovered in Step 3. 
5. Cherry pick only the best ones. 
6. Structure a request around how to get your needs met.
7. Consider the timing and do-ability of your request.
8. Make time for your request (not a demand) to be communicated, then communicate it.
9. Wait for the person to respond, and don't always expect agreement. 
10. If needed, use active and empathic listening to discuss your request.
11. Experience connection if the person does connect with you, or modify your request according to the feedback you get. 
12. Bask in the glory of connecting with another person in a shared experience of trying to get your needs met so you both can feel good.

The script above has come from personal trial and error, and a multitude of approaches to communication. If you need any help with communication at home, or in the workplace, and want to learn more about how to enjoy your social life, book a session with me.​